“I looked at my child and felt an emptiness where there should have been love. A voice in the back of my mind whispered, ‘Something’s wrong with me.’”
For many, this confession is too unsettling to share. Motherhood is meant to be all-consuming, selfless, unwavering. Society tells us that a “good mother” loves instinctively, sacrifices joyfully, and nurtures without fail. But what happens when a mother’s shadow side appears—when resentment, ambivalence, or even a disturbing desire to escape that role bubbles to the surface? This darker side of motherhood, often buried under layers of cultural shame, finds expression in what Dr. Daniela Sieff calls the "Death Mother" archetype.
The Death Mother archetype represents aspects of motherhood we fear to speak of: the part of a mother that, overwhelmed by life, feels drained, resentful, or disconnected. As a trauma therapist and senior social worker, I’ve found that engaging with this archetype has been transformative for me personally and professionally. I grew up with a mother who was overwhelmed by her five children, a woman who loved us yet felt burdened by the relentless demands of motherhood. I also see the Death Mother’s shadow at play in the lives of my clients, who, in navigating their ambivalent feelings, often confront deep shame and isolation.
The Death Mother represents those maternal qualities that defy idealization—abandonment, resentment, and overwhelm. Western culture has long promoted the narrative that "good" mothers are unconditionally nurturing, and the maternal role is one that society deems instinctual and fulfilling. Yet, the archetype of the Death Mother, which Sieff discusses as “Nature’s Shadow,” acknowledges the complex realities of motherhood, including the ways it can become a burden or even a threat to the mother’s own identity and well-being(Sieff (2024) Revising I…)(Sieff-Daniela-F.-2019-T…).
In my own life, this archetype resonates strongly. My mother was a woman deeply overburdened by the weight of raising five children. Though she loved each of us, the relentless demands left her exhausted, unable to meet her own needs, let alone ours in a way that felt supportive. This overwhelm often translated to moments of emotional absence or frustration, leaving me with a template of maternal ambivalence that I unconsciously carried into my own motherhood journey with my three children. Exploring this archetype has brought clarity to my experience and deepened my empathy for myself, my mother, and my clients, allowing me to engage with the darker aspects of motherhood without shame and to show up more authentically.
Dr. Sieff's work introduces the Death Mother archetype as a hidden facet of the collective psyche, heavily shaped by evolutionary and societal factors. Historically, mothers faced survival pressures that required selective nurturing—an acceptance of loss, and sometimes, even the abandonment of children under dire circumstances. Anthropologists like Sarah Blaffer Hrdy highlight the necessity of adaptive maternal responses, where mothers had to make pragmatic, if heartbreaking, decisions to ensure the survival of some children over others. This adaptation can emerge in contemporary times as maternal ambivalence, where a mother’s own survival instincts clash with societal ideals of relentless caregiving(Sieff (2024) Revising I…)(Sieff-Daniela-F.-2019-T…).
In therapeutic settings, the Death Mother archetype emerges in many clients' narratives, especially those carrying unresolved childhood trauma from having had mothers who were emotionally unavailable, resentful, or even abusive. These clients often grapple with internalized shame, wondering why they could not evoke the love they needed. Sieff’s framework has been invaluable in helping them contextualize this relational void. As she explains, when the Death Mother archetype is acknowledged and brought into the light, it disrupts cycles of shame and allows for meaningful healing work to begin(Sieff-Daniela-F.-2019-T…).
In my practice, this archetype is not solely an intellectual concept; it is an embodied experience that clients recognize when they explore their own mothers' responses or their own maternal ambivalence. For many, the Death Mother archetype offers a new language that validates their feelings. One client I’ll call ‘Eve’ revealed how she oscillated between devotion and resentment toward her children, especially when she felt isolated or unsupported. By discussing the Death Mother archetype, Eve could understand her feelings without succumbing to self-criticism, discovering instead a compassionate curiosity about her ambivalence. In sessions, she reframed her struggles as an adaptive part of motherhood’s shadow, rather than as personal inadequacy.
The shadow work this archetype invites also continues to be foundational in my own healing. Mothering my three children has presented moments where I felt echoes of my mother’s fatigue and frustration. However, I have been able to integrate this understanding into my parenting, allowing me to honour the tension between nurture and self-preservation that I felt as both a daughter and a mother.
Through acknowledging the Death Mother within, I recognize my right to set boundaries, meet my needs, and reject perfectionist ideals. This, I believe, models a healthier relational dynamic for my children, one where they can learn to embrace both light and shadow within themselves.
The Death Mother archetype offers an invaluable lens through which we can address these deeply human experiences, providing a structure that enables both therapists and clients to explore previously unspoken truths. In my professional practice, the discussions surrounding this archetype help clients dismantle self-shaming narratives, while allowing them to honour the struggle and resilience of their mothers and ancestors. This compassionate recontextualization fosters a type of self-acceptance essential for authentic living.
My hope, and what I seek to offer through my work and workshops, is a space where this shadow side of motherhood can be acknowledged and held. When we do not shy away from this archetype, but rather hold it with both reverence and understanding, we break the cycle of shame that has long defined its presence. In doing so, we grant ourselves—and our clients—the freedom to be whole, embracing both the nurturing and ambivalent aspects of the maternal role. Integrating the Death Mother archetype into our self-awareness brings a powerful transformation, one that brings depth to healing and empowers us to show up as both fully authentic and deeply compassionate beings.
by: Stephanie Grant, BA CYC; MSW
コメント